LISTEN TO ME! I found myself screaming at someone the other day. It was amazing – everything I said to him seemed to steer him right back to what he wanted to talk about. I was simply the guy on the other end of their conversation. If I’d been replaced by someone else, he’d have said the same things. Like a two-way radio stuck on transmit only.

And they were trying to sell me something!

Yak Yak Yak.

Hysterically, this person finished my sentences for me, but in so doing revealed that he didn’t know what I was going to say…!

He probably thought he had the gift of the gab. He’s probably been told that. And thought it was a complement. The thing about the gift of the gab is it isn’t a gift. It’s a pain in the neck for those who have to listen to this type of market stall drivel.

So I screamed at him LISTEN TO ME. But I’m reasonably well behaved these days so I only screamed at him in my head. If he had listened to me, he might have made the sale. I actually wanted what he was selling. But I was not going to reward him – I’ll reward someone else who has similar stuff but actually listens.

So, how to listen?

It’s not that hard, but like everything else, you need to want to do it. You need to understand that really listening is the right way to behave, and not just when you’re selling.  No degree of discipline and technique-honing will make you a good listener if your real reason for doing it is as a sneaky tool to get what you want.

So, what to do?

Firstly, listen attentively without interrupting. Don’t finish people’s sentences for them. Maintain eye contact. They are trying to communicate with you, so let them do it.

Secondly, when they stop talking, pause before replying. Don’t just rush in. Don’t be afraid of a second or two of silence. And if you’ve been formulating your brilliant repost while they’ve been talking and are waiting for a microsecond’s break to launch your sparkling reply into the conversation like a cruise missile, go back to the first step.

Thirdly, seek clarification. “What do you mean by…?” “Explain that to me again…” Get their message: loud, clear and accurate.

Fourthly, play back what’s been said to you; allow the other person to correct you or confirm you’ve got it right.

That’s listening – attention, pause, clarify, repeat. It’s not linear, you can skip around.

Two things happen when you listen properly.

One – you actually understand better, which is calming.

Two – you’ve been respectful and they’ll like you for that. We all need to be understood. You will stand out as someone who seeks to understand.

As I said, you cannot do this as a manipulative technique, so if that’s where you are – don’t waste your time.

But if you do actually wish to understand your fellow human being as we career through this life…give these simple techniques a try. Take the time.

This week’s Pearl of Leadership Wisdom is on….

Communication – Part II

Last week we looked at Chip and Dan Heath’s book “Made to Stick – why some ideas take hold and others come unstuck.”

We covered the first three elements – your message should be simple, unexpected and concrete.

Today we look at the remaining three elements…

Credibility – Use Statistics, but make them vivid!

“Only 37% of employees in the UK say they have a clear understanding of what their organisation is trying to achieve and why.” “Only one in five was enthusiastic about their team’s and their organisation’s goals.”

Yeah, so what?…but if you re-frame it in terms of a football team…

“If this was a football team, only 4 of the 11 players would know which goal is theirs and only 2 of the 11 would care.”

That’s vivid!

Don’t use statistics unless you’re sure everyone understands!

Be Emotional – The Mother Teresa Effect

“If I look at the mass, I will never act. If I look at the one, I will.”

Charities have long understood that talking about how your donation will help a named and pictured individual will generate over TWICE as much contribution as big picture statements on the awfulness of, for example, famine.

I don’t think this is cynical…it’s just about making it real.

So…is your message “real” – or are you just waving your hands about?

Finally,...tell a story – we love stories because they allow us to relate to each other in ways we understand as fellow human beings. Think how well fables have endured.

In summing up…this and last week’s message were about communication so if you want your messages to be “sticky”, make them…

• Simple
• Unexpected
• Concrete
• Credible
• Emotional

…and tell a story.

This week’s Pearl of Leadership Wisdom is on….

Communication – Part I

“The Great Wall of China is the only man-made object that is visible from space” – memorable but not true.

Of all the skills of leadership, communication must be the most important. The absence of communication is unimaginable. Even silence sends a message. Lowly bacteria communicate – using chemicals.

Chip and Dan Heath have written a great book called “Made to Stick – why some ideas take hold and others come unstuck”.

“The recommended daily allowance of iron for an adult is 14mg.” – true but not memorable.

They offer 6 key attributes that an idea must have to be effectively communicated.

First is…a focus on simplicity – “it’s the economy, stupid” was dreamed up by an advisor during Clinton’s presidential campaign to keep Clinton himself focused on the key issue.

Second is…to be unexpected – “if you haven’t been in a car since 1965 the correct way to fasten your seat belt is….” as used by cabin staff on Southwest Airlines.

Third is…creation of a concrete image in the mind – how about this…

“If all the stars in the Milky Way were grains of salt they would fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool.” – true and memorable. Wow.

I’ll give you the other three next week…..

Mark