Behaviour

The energy you have to spend on what you want to do today and in the future is the total energy you generate minus the amount that’s lost to the dreaded energy suckers.

Let’s start on the supply side…

You do generate energy, quite literally. Of course we are not aware of this happening so we don’t think of it that way. But it’s true. Most of us have more energy than we need. It just doesn’t always feel that way.

Let’s look at the demand side…

Like some massive octopus in a schlock sci-fi film, energy attracts suckers. Energy suckers swarm all around you in a feeding frenzy and they will leave you with nothing if they can, because there’s another just like you around the corner.

The energy suckers take many forms.

Here are just some of them -

1. Bad Environment

Too noisy, too hot, too cold, too light, too dark, bad feng shui (don’t laugh – who likes sitting with their back to the door?)

I once had a client who said of one of her charges “she’s easily distracted”. She worked in an entirely open plan office with no baffles and 75 people standing up doing telesales. Easily distracted! She’d need to be comatose not to be distracted.

Get your “area” sorted.

2. Bad Relationships

Continuing to deal with people who don’t play the game fairly: who are aggressive, passive aggressive or passive. People who don’t have their Mum in the office, so they use you as a surrogate. People who wish to cast you as a major player in whatever mini-psycho drama consumes them this week.

The greatest things you will come across in this life are people, but not all of them. Some, I’m afraid, do not live up to the billing.

Kiss them good bye.

3. Bad Self-Management

Big no-no. From pretending you have goals to only doing what you like; the list of possible self-management failures is long, long, long. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result – madness as Einstein said. Fearing failure whilst understanding that fear of failure guarantees failure.

As Steve Jobs said (before he knew of his final illness) – “we are all going to die, so what is it you’re scared of losing?”

Manage thyself!

4. Bad Management

Not treating management as a skill to be learned (the real British disease).

I used to do chemistry. I’d make molecules. Sometimes I’d turn A into B into C into D….all the way to L (I think the longest piece of synthesis I did was 12 steps). If you do each step 80% optimally (which is very, very respectable in chemistry), what percentage of the potential yield do you end up with?

Answer: 6.9%.

That’s 93.1% of your potential down the pan.

Management is different but I hope you get my point.

Coarsely speaking in my world: RB x RS x RO = RL

(Rubbish Prospecting x Rubbish Selling x Rubbish Operations = Rubbish Life)

Get educated.

5. Rubbish Staff

If you have rubbish staff it’s your fault. They are the product of your management. The only exception is where you have a bad apple. But if they’re still around – it’s your fault. Key message – it’s your fault and when it isn’t, it’s still your fault.

6. Not saying “No”

Do not prioritise helping others ahead of turning your own goals into past achievements unless the other person is paying your bills or dealing with some other fundamental need that keeps you perky and…balanced. Even then…

7. Perfectionism…

…is simply fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of what you should really be doing and/or self indulgence dressed up in a Versace suit pretending to be a virtue.

Unmask this imposter before he has his way with you.

8. Being a Monkey Magnet

Perhaps the most nefarious example of 4 and 6 above. Someone else’s problem (monkey) is seldom yours. Make sure their monkey remains firmly on their back.

9. Not eating frogs

Do the worst thing you have to do today first. If you have to eat a frog, eat it. Eat it first.

If you don’t, it will gorge on your energy all day, making it bigger, and you still must eat it.

10. Failing to define the next step

If something’s on your mind and bothering you it’s probably because you have not defined the next thing to do; the next step. So this thing sits there poking you in the ribs every ten minutes until you address it.

So address it.

There’s more…being a pessimist…watching TV…I could go on. And on.

Most of us have huge amounts of energy but it’s a precious thing and massive sci-fi octopi in their myriad guises will steal it from us if we let them.

So don’t let them.

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How proactive are we really? It’s an interesting question.

The answer is not as proactive as we think – which is a relief otherwise I’d have nothing to write about this week.

I think we are designed to go with the flow. It takes massive action to break out of this, but break out of it we must. But only the few will make it. You may be one of them.

It’s so easy to switch off. To let the autopilot define the destination. To let the alarm clock wake us up; to eat the same breakfast; to react the same way to the same stimuli – boss, partner, issues, problems, opportunities; to think the same thoughts. To be catalysed into action by external events – the email, the phone, work colleagues. To fail to take charge.

I really challenged myself on this last week. I secretly wondered if I was just getting up and doing the same things not because they were the right things but because they were the things I do.

So, being a big fan of tests with easy questions (and difficult answers) I made up a test for myself. I have called it Mark’s Proactivity Tester. Pretty snappy I think you’ll agree.

Now, I understand that some of the questions may not be relevant to you. For example, if your job is to pick up the phone before it rings three times you may struggle with question no 2. So if your job makes you do crazy things, don’t pay too much attention to the questions that show that fact up!

So here it is…

Ask yourself these questions…

1. When I get an email, I…

a) Read it,

b) Don’t read it,

c) Don’t know I’ve received an email.

2. When the phone rings, I…

a) Answer it,

b) Don’t answer it,

c) Don’t know I’ve received a phone call.

3. When someone says “do you have a minute”, I reply…

a) “Of course, shall we get some tea?”,

b) “If it’s a quicky” (ooh-err Missus),

c) “I’m just working on something right now, can you come back at 2 o’clock?”

4. When I am working on something, I…

a) Constantly interrupt myself to do other things,

b) Repeatedly think about the next thing on my list,

c) Focus on what I’m doing to a very high degree, and I’m not really sure what’s next on my list but that’s OK because I have a system where everything is under control.

5. I feel as if I am in charge of my destiny (the key word is destiny – this is not about being in charge of every minute of every day – no one has that luxury)…

a) Pretty much never,

b) Sometimes,

c) Pretty much always.

6. My goals are…

a) Given to me,

b) Negotiated by me,

c) Defined by me.

7. The purpose of my life is…

a) You’re not catching me out with that mumbo jumbo…purpose! Ha!

b) A work in progress,

c) Clear to me.

8. I have a written list of high-payoff activities…

a) You’re joking; I don’t even have goals,

b) In my head, honest, trust me,

c) In my diary.

9. The stuff in my diary this week makes me feel…

a) Nauseous,

b) OK – just another week,

c) Like it’s another step in the right direction.

OK there’s no scoring system here but if you’ve had sufficient coffee today you will have realised that answering c) is better than b) is better than a). So take a view.

We are all somewhere on the reactivity/proactivity line. For me the target is total proactivity. This won’t happen but it’s a target worth striving for. Because total proactivity equals total freedom and I like the sound of that. So I’m going to keep asking myself these nine questions…just to be on the safe side.

Or…there’s two ways to think – one for winners and one for er…non-winners.

Someone dared to doubt me the other day. Can you believe it? I was banging on about how we can control what we think about and how that, in turn, controls what we do, i.e. our behaviour and, in turn, how our behaviour generates the results we get, good or bad.

This person wasn’t buying it. No, no. There was no linkage between the mental and the physical, he said. It’s all luck anyway. You’re talking mumbo-jumbo. Hmm…

This reminded of someone…

…I met fleetingly at a conference. She had the following philosophy – “I never expect anything good to happen. Then I won’t be disappointed.” I may have written about her before. Do you think she’s right? Do you think that never expecting anything good to happen has no effect on her behaviour and hence her results? Of course not. She won’t strive for the good stuff because she cannot risk disappointment. So good stuff never happens.

She wasn’t easily mistaken for a ray of sunshine, I can tell you.

The poor woman…

…has an unhealthy belief. She believes she has to protect herself from disappointment by having low expectations of what will happen in her life. She has very little or no tolerance for disappointment.

How do we unravel this? Well, psychologists have a three box model for this. It’s called “ABC”. Business consultants usually have a four box model for things, with a fancy name. That’s why they’re paid more.

Back to psychologists…

So what’s this “ABC” malarkey?

A stands for some sort of trigger event.

B stands for beliefs – healthy or unhealthy.

C stands for consequence – thoughts, emotions, actions and symptoms.

And it’s sequential – A leads to B which leads to C. Then it loops round again. And again.

Now, I don’t know…

…what this woman’s trigger events were, but the C for consequences is clear: unhealthy thinking, low expectation, insufficient action and poor results.

Now I am not saying that beliefs need to be synthetically positive. I am saying that when we have a naturally negative belief, i.e. making a four hour presentation to 800 people is scary, that we make the belief healthy/negative, rather than unhealthy/negative.

The good…

So we might think “I am really nervous about this presentation but that’s normal and I can function despite feeling that way.” That recognises the reality and will lead to a more positive result.

The bad…

Here’s the unhealthy/negative version – “I am really nervous about this presentation. I hate feeling that way. I can’t bear it.” That does not recognise the reality (can’t bear it – really?) and will get a poor result.

In the case of the woman I met at the conference – she’s thinking “I cannot tolerate disappointment. When I am disappointed it is awful. It is horrible. I cannot bear it.” This is an unhealthy/negative belief.

Here’s the converse – “I accept that sometimes I will be disappointed. I don’t want to be but it will happen. That’s life and my worth does not depend on being free of disappointment.” That’s healthy/negative.

Simple but important…

Now this is an extreme and simple example, but the C – the consequencies that derive from each of these Bs are polar opposites.

There is nothing wrong with negative beliefs – all goal achievement that involves change, i.e. all worthwhile goal achievement, has discomfort associated with it and we cannot help but feel negative emotions about that. And that’s OK. It’s not about eliminating the negative, it’s about making the negative healthy.

Here’s some healthy vs unhealthy examples –

“Want to” vs “Have to”…

Wanting to do something is about choice. Having to is usually about fear. Choice is better. “I am going to study because I want to pass this exam” is good. “I have to do this stupid studying because I must pass this exam” is rubbish.

“Bad” vs “Awful”…

Things can often be bad. They are seldom truly awful.

“Difficult” vs “Unbearable”…

Making those phone calls may be difficult. The activity is NOT unbearable. Get a grip.

“Self-acceptance” vs “Self-damning”…

Sh*t happens. It doesn’t make you a sh*t.

Getting this stuff right is really important in goal achievement. Unhealthy/negative beliefs are like poison to achievement. They are inflexible, inconsistent with reality and unhelpful. They lead to self-sabotage.

Healthy/negative beliefs are what balanced grown-ups have. They are flexible, consistent with reality and hugely helpful.

Getting this right is not just about goal achievement, it’s one of the cornerstones of being happy. So be happy.

There are only four major behavioural types. And only one of these is any use.

The four types are…

Passive
Aggressive
Assertive
Passive aggressive

The useful one is assertiveness, of course. This is because you stand not a snowball’s chance in hell of developing self-confidence unless you are assertive.

Assertiveness is the ability to remain calm but firm under pressure.

Here are a few questions for you –

• Do you get upset very quickly when others question your views?
• Do you avoid difficult conversations?
• Do you say things you immediately regret?
• Do you agree with people when you’d really don’t at all?
• Do you feel you have fragile self-esteem?

If you would answer “yes” to any of these questions on any kind of a regular basis, then that’s indicative of your assertiveness skills being a bit rubbish really. This is not good for you and merits a wee bit of remedial action.

Whatever could the matter be?

Are you passive?

When you behave passively you tend to just let stuff happen. You usually don’t speak up when you don’t agree and even when you do speak up you are deferential and back down far too easily.

Being easy-going is one thing. Being passive is being a doormat.

Are you aggressive?

This is Mr Shouty. He’s rude, makes threats and uses bullying. The occasionally aggressive person may be the passive person who has blown a fuse.

Are you assertive?

What characterises this saint-like behaviour? Well, usually it’s –

• An ability to remain calm (relatively!) and
• An ability to stand your ground.

You are happy to listen to others as they do not intimidate you. You can be changed by a good argument but if not you will say so and hold firm. You may compromise and you will keep bashing away at the issue until a satisfactory outcome is reached.

Are You Passive Aggressive?

I HATE this one. It’s the silent treatment. The you’ve-got-to-guess-what’s-wrong-with-me game. The use of silence or sulking or being deliberately obstructive are all signs of the passive-aggressive.

More subtle is the “poor me” routine. “I’m the only one who does anything around here…” and similar.

The tactic here is for the passive aggressive to get their own way by making you feel guilty. No chance.

So, how to be more assertive?

No 1…Right Think.

Get your thinking right. Someone who works for you storm into your office, bitches about someone else in your team and asks you to go “and sort them out”. You can be upset by your staff member confusing you with their Mum or you can say to yourself – “this person is clearly upset herself. I’ll try to understand why this is and from there I can try to work out what, if anything, either of us should do.”

No 2…Right Emotions.

Get your emotions right. Having got your thinking right, the right emotions flow easily. Instead of feeling angry, or challenged, or burdened by your staffer, you feel OK. OK’s fine in this situation. You are unruffled.

No 3…Right Behaviour.

Get your behaviour right. Now that your emotions are correct, you will do the right things. You are assertive. You listen, you acknowledge your colleagues concerns and you focus on finding a solution with them. (Assuming this isn’t a “no-solution-required” conversation, but that’s another blog post).

No 4…Right Outcome.

Get the right outcome. You agree a way forward with your team member. Relations are maintained and self-esteem is intact. (OK – this might not happen, but that doesn’t mean assertiveness is a flawed strategy. Not everyone is rational all of the time and it takes two to tango).

Here’s an exercise for you (no sulking)…

You know that difficult conversation you’ve been putting of for weeks (passive) because when you bring it up things degenerate into a shouting match (aggressive) and then the huffy/sulky thing (passive-aggressive)…? Well, get your assertive thinking cap on (as per the above example). This will lead to an emotionally neutral state instead of something worse. Then, sit down with the person and have the assertive conversation you need to have.

You may get an agreed solution. And even if you don’t, that’s OK. You tried. You will feel better because you have opened a door to self-development and in the long run you will get the desired result more often than not.

There’s no gene for assertiveness. It’s a mindset issue and it takes practice.

Or…why I should ask myself this question often, especially when I decide to do nothing…

“What’s in it for me?”

This is a question you need to ask yourself many times per day. It seems very direct, very raw, very… un-British.

Well, what’s is in it for me?

The raise, the promotion, the bonus, the whatever-it-is.

It’s good to know what you will get for what you do.

It’s positive…

We tend to think of what we get as the reward for an action. And we usually direct the question to others, because they are doing the giving…

But let’s turn it around…

Here’s one from my early days in self-employment…

I need to make twenty cold calls per day.

Yikes…

What’s in it for me?

“Well, I will find clients and that will be good because then I’ll be able to pay my bills.”

Hmmmm…OK. The snowy peaks of Maslow’s Pyramid are hardly being penetrated with that are they?

I hated making those calls and sometimes I didn’t make them because I didn’t want to. Then the next day I’d ask myself again – What’s in it for me?

“Well, I will find clients and that’s good and it will get my business going and”…yeah, yeah, yeah.

Some days I got it really right (although it took about three years) – I’ll get lots of clients, then money, giving less stress, less pressure, more freedom, a self-sustaining business making money without me turning up, financial freedom….weeeee-heeeee….you know the trajectory.

Great and positive stuff indeed.

So far so obvious…

OK. Here’s the bit I’ve been missing…

I NEVER ASKED MYSELF WHAT WAS IN IT FOR ME WHEN I CHOSE TO SUBMIT TO MY FEARS AND NOT DO WHAT I KNEW I HAD TO.

I think I’ll say that again because it looks good here on my screen – I NEVER ASKED MYSELF WHAT WAS IN IT FOR ME WHEN I CHOSE TO SUBMIT TO MY FEARS AND NOT DO WHAT I KNEW I HAD TO.

We never judge the status quo…

But we should, because there is something in the status quo for you. It’s just that it’s usually a bit rubbish. If we liked the status quo we’d still be living in caves.

Let’s try it…

“I am not going to make those calls because I don’t want to. I am not comfortable doing it and I hate it. This task is like a millstone around my neck…”

“What’s in that for me?”

Well what’s in that for me is the destiny of those other wild-eyed dreamers who pursue the siren call of self-employment – 70 hours weeks and a mediocre salary. Spending more and more time doing the same stuff in the vain belief that doing more of what doesn’t work will miraculously turn out to be the stuff that does work! No, no, no, no, no…..

I love Mondays…

OK it’s another Monday. I don’t know about you but it felt like yesterday when I sat down and planned this year. It’s now October 10^th. Wot?

I’ve been using the “what’s in it for me?” technique when faced with the less glam tasks for five weeks now and it really works.

It’s allied to the question I ask my coaching clients in goal setting – “what bad stuff will be avoided if you achieve your goal?” But it’s a wee bit punchier than that.

We conceptualise the good stuff that flows from positive action pretty easily. But we struggle to crystallise the bad stuff that will come from our inaction.

So – what to do?

There are consequences to everything we do, including deciding to not do something.

Starting now…when you find yourself taking avoiding action on something you know you should do but don’t want to and you’re getting comfortable with that decision…ask yourself…

“This decision to do nothing – what’s in it for me?”

Or…how and why this primal emotion constrains us and what to do about it.

There are few feelings that can actually be measured by psychologists but the feelings we have around loss and gain are two that can be.

Oh My Gawd…

We are twice as upset by loss as we are pleased by gain. I lost a five figure sum (not including the pence) eleven years ago because I didn’t do something that would have taken literally 15 seconds.

IT STILL HURTS.  

This is because of loss aversion – our strong and compelling desire to avoid loss.

This desire is a lizard brain relic – from the time when sabre-toothed tigers roamed the earth and we had more to worry about than slow growth in a top ten economy, I mean, come on.

So this is what normally happens…

We think of something nice we might do.

Say, “I think I’ll set up my own business because it will be brilliant.” This is a gain. It is good and it feels right. We feel motivated – driven towards all the nice stuff that’ll flow from being our own boss and running our own thing.

Then the loss aversion creeps in…

…like a bore at a party. “But I’ll lose my regular salary at Scratch & Gouge Ltd” “What about my pension!” “No more Christmas parties.” Sorry, that last one’s a gain.

That’s why when you hear all this guff on the radio – “a poll shows that 75% of nurses/teaches/deep sea divers are thinking of leaving their profession in the next 12 months and taking up competitive macrame”, few ever do. The loss aversion freezes them in their tracks (the ones that actually meant it).

We imagine all the losses that walking away from notional security represent and they are very tangible and we feel them twice as much as the less tangible gains of setting up by ourselves so we do….nothing.

We do nothing.

Loss aversion has won…

…we have lost. And there the story ends…

Why do we have such a useless piece of wiring in our heads? Well, who knows? Let’s guess – at the end of the day all our psychology is trying to do is to keep us alive long enough to reproduce.

Oh Mother..!

After that, we are pointless in Mother Nature’s eyes. So she makes sure we run from the sabre-toothed tiger NOW, even although that cute cave woman over there by the salted mammoth was beginning to look us up and down with that look. That was maybe sensible when we faced death every day. But today the threats we face are seldom life or death and for the latter I think we are now smart enough to spot that level of danger. We don’t need the loss aversion automatic protection system. So no thanks Mother Nature. No thanks for loss aversion.

Larkin was right…

…your parents do f*** you up.

But…

…the 21^st Century human can overcome this poor wiring. We cannot upgrade our brains (sadly). But we can apply a patch. A fix.

The story isn’t over…

Here’s what to do – reclassify the risks in, for example, chucking in our job and setting up our company, as “small and survivable”. Because they are. Compared to a risk with a high likelihood of death or irretrievable financial damage, what we’re talking about here is small and survivable. We will not die. It’s just that our brain is telling us that’s what we’re up against because our brain is very good at catastrophising. It’s designed that way.

Health Warning here people…

…we need to use our judgement in risk assessment. Chucking in your job has small and survivable risks. Going over the Niagara Falls in a barrel has large and potentially non-survivable risks. If you have a nagging feeling that you have the judgement of a C-list celeb on coke, seek advice from your more sensible friends.

Assuming…

…our risks do in fact have small and survivable risks, then we can see them in context and refocus on the huge positive motivation that naturally flows from the potential we can see in our first thought – setting up our own business or whatever it may be.

Understand loss aversion for what it is (a relic), and your motivation can act unencumbered and then you have truly defeated one of life’s greatest foes. Well done you.

There’s this guy I know. I’ve known him for about 8 years. He can be a bit immature sometimes. But most of the time he’s really impressive.

He finds time management, or personal productivity, really easy. For him it is not a discipline, or a chore, or any such hard work.

He just flows. He is effortlessly focused on doing his high-payoff activities – the key activities that will deliver his goals. He relishes them. He can spend hour upon hour on them and he never gets tired because he’s in the zone…that place where what you do is not hard work, it’s living…like playing the guitar, or driving a racing car, or whatever it is you can do that requires a lot of skill but for you is easy, almost effortless.

He suffers no distraction.

He does not eat when in the zone. It’s not that he chooses not to. It just doesn’t cross his mind. There are one or two HPAs he is not comfortable doing, so he delegates them without hesitation and does so effectively. He makes it clear what he wants and when he wants it done (usually now) and he does not tell those to whom he delegates how to do whatever it is – he is only interested in the result.

All the small stuff sent to drag him off track is as nothing to this guy. He simply doesn’t see it. I was talking to someone the other day and they told me that sometimes when they speak to him he seems not to hear them. He doesn’t react. Or rather, he doesn’t react to them. This person told me, in all seriousness, that he thought the guy might be hard-of-hearing.

He’s not hard-of-hearing.

He doesn’t get distracted by email. The first email I ever sent him – it took him eight weeks to respond to me. Eight weeks. With a six word answer. Doesn’t he know who I am?

How does he do this?

How is it that for him, time management is not a chore, it’s the default? For him, dealing with all the nonsense in life is the chore. He is focused on the goal, knows what needs to be done, works like a demon, delegates like a machine, doesn’t sweat the small stuff and gets exactly what he wants, on time and in full.

For him it’s easy – he has a purpose statement. He blurted it out to me the other day. Well, in pieces, over the course of the day. It wasn’t well formed in his mind but because his purpose is so meaningful to him, wasting time on anything else isn’t an option. His purpose drives him, satisfies him completely. So why would he willingly spend any time on anything that didn’t serve the purpose?

I cannot tell you his purpose…

…but the form of it goes like this –

“The purpose of my life is to be……(put adjectives and nouns here),

and to..….(put verbs and nouns here),

so that..….(put the outcome you want here).

Here’s a (boring I’m sure, I’m just about to make it up) example –

“The purpose of my life is to be a diligent, attentive and effective teacher, and to practice and perfect my teaching skills, so that I am most able to help others to develop themselves and have a more fulfilling life.”

In fact it’s not so boring when I look at it.

Now if the idea of a life purpose freaks you…

…make it for the next 30 days. Or a year.

Today, this guy I’ve been talking about has such a purpose. I expect his will change and be different next year. But today, he has it, pure and true, and that’s why, for him, being effective is a walk in the park.

He’s only 8 years old, as you’ve guessed, but he’s non-trivial. And I’m not saying that just because I’m his Dad. Yes, I’m a biased observer, but it’s part of my purpose to help him stay on his purpose, whatever he defines it to be, because then he’ll find things a damn site easier, and a lot more fun.

Or…

How to Persuade People to Do What You Want.

Ahh, skills of persuasion. A perennial favourite. How to get people to do what we want them to do. Well it can be tricky because adults are autonomous and self-directed and they won’t do what you want just because you ask them, unless they like you, but that’s not a strategy.

This takes me back to the old ICI competency handbook. Competencies have fallen out of fashion recently amongst the human resource fraternity, but that’s just because they, like most people, like new shiny stuff every now and again. But for me, competencies are timeless, elegant classics. Like a gin martini…

So, what are these persuasion competencies? Well, there’s three -

LOGIC

The first is rational persuasion or, as an ex-boss calls it – LOGIC.

Logic is all about building persuasive arguments based on logic, data and the merits of the situation. Great. Good start. Is this enough? Maybe. Probably not. A lot of rational, technical people never get beyond this because they believe that being “right” is all that matters. This is one of my favourite limiting beliefs. If logic was all that was needed, think how different the world would be. For a start, everyone would be like me. But they’re not.

Here’s something to do – check your assumptions. Regard them and those of others as things that need testing.

DIPLOMACY

The second competency is called strategic influencing, or DIPLOMACY (thanks ex-boss).

Diplomacy is all about being aware of the different forms and sources of influencing in choosing between different influencing strategies.

This is a subtle art indeed and I am not sure it is taught outside of the, er, diplomatic corps. Real diplomacy is rare – it is actual work and it takes time and patience.

Diplomacy is about lobbying key people, but it is also about considering a host of issues, like the politics of the situation, the cultures involved, what the personal relationships are and the importance of hierarchical positions.

Here’s something to do – rehearse the way you wish to influence a situation, identify possible alternatives and then discuss them with someone who likes you.

EMPATHY

The third persuasion competence is called concern for impact, or as the same ex-boss calls it, EMPATHY.

Actively anticipating and responding to the feelings, needs and concerns of others. Your logical argument may offer the greatest good for the greatest number of people, but if it’s my garden that’s being turned into the high speed rail link, forgive me for not seeing your point of view. Now that’s extreme and concern for impact is often more subtle.

Here’s something to do – ask yourself what it might be costing others to agree with you and build their concerns into your proposals.

Take this a bit further – in agreeing with you and supporting you, what’s in it for them? Nothing? No organisation ever did anything. People do stuff. And if can give them a personal win out of the decision you will be attractive.

I’m not talking underhand here – I’m talking about them getting something that is congruent with their self-image, their identity. If they want to be seen as innovative, make agreeing with you the innovative thing to do. If they want to be seen as offering security to their organisation, make your offer representative of security. If they are sufficiently senior to be turned on by courses of action that are transformational or dare I even say transcendent, and what you propose is these things, you have cracked it indeed. You are a master persuader.

Now this is all a bit of a performance and you won’t want to take it to the n-th degree for the small stuff, but when there’s big stuff at stake, it’s worth spending the time.

Logic, diplomacy and empathy – it’s usually takes all three to get what you want.

It’s 9/11 and I’m sitting in the foyer of the Marriott in San Jose.

It’s 6-45 in the morning and the Starbucks is doing a brisk trade. I’m sitting here with a large Americano with an extra shot I really don’t need. The sky is grey, as it has been every morning. The sun will soon rise high enough to burn the grey away, ushering in another beautiful Californian day.

I’ve been watching the 9/11 ceremony from New York with my fellow foyer dwellers and I am struck by the amazing resilience of this country. The amazing ability to recover, not just endure. To recover and thrive. Unbowed.

What does it take to be so resilient?

Identity

It takes identity. A positive view of who we think we are. The label we place on ourselves. This label can have many authors: parents, peers, authority figures and, most importantly, us. But I’m afraid the other authors are not always entirely helpful. But we don’t have to let them write their bit on our label. We can and must define ourselves. This is the first part.

Interpretation of Events

Resilience requires us to interpret events in ways that help us, not hinder us. Information comes into our brains; we interpret it and decide what it means to us. This then defines our intentions and consequently the actions we take.

And there are two extremes to our interpretation –

a)      We set our goal; we didn’t get the result we wanted; we are a failure; there’s no point in trying again; we won’t try again.

b)      We set our goal; we didn’t get the result we wanted; we will try harder next time as we know we will get better; we want another chance; we go out and find that chance, now.

Same information. Different results. This is the second part.

Optimism

Resilience requires optimism. Optimism comes from sifting through our pasts for the good stuff and accepting the bad stuff as simply being “life”. Optimism comes from looking at the here and now and asking ourselves “what do we have to be grateful for?” Optimism comes from looking at the future and being exciting about our possibilities.

And if there are any pessimists in our lives…we need to be careful here because they are toxic. There. I said it.

Self-Efficacy

Resilience requires self-efficacy. We dealt with self-efficacy recently – here. Basically self-efficacy is our belief that we can control an outcome or event. A lot of people lose their self-efficacy between the ages of 16 and 26 when they realise they aren’t going to be a rock star etc etc. Self-efficacy is a real differentiator. If we don’t have self-efficacy…we’re f*cked. End of.

These four factors are the foundation stones of our resilience.

Each of them is a practice. They are not absolute. They are mental constructs. We construct what we want –

• We can contribute to our identity along with others or we can claim it all to ourselves.
• We can interpret events in any way we want (really).
• We can be optimistic or pessimistic; glass half-full or half empty.
• We can believe we have control or we can believe we have no control – whichever we believe will be our reality.

Our choices on these four factors are major contributors to our resilience.

I’m not going to score the USA on the four elements of resilience. The USA is self-evidently resilient because it chooses to be.

OK, so what about us humans, rather than nations?

We are getting closer to the core here. The nub. The heart of the matter.

When we wrap it all up – identity, interpretation, optimism, self-efficacy and resilience – we find that this defines what is currently understood by psychologists to be our psychology. Our psychology. Definition – the study of our mind and its functions.

So maybe we should look at ourselves and ask “what’s our psychology?”

Well that’s a big issue for a blog post, but let’s start with IDENTITY.

Here’s something to think about -

List the five most irritating “ingredients” that have been scrawled on your identity label. You may not think they are big issues, and they may not be. But if they happened years ago and they are still popping into your brain, they are still with you. And although they may not be doing you much harm it is unlikely they are doing you much good. And your identity is supposed to be for your good. So it’s time for action.

Again, list the five most irritating “ingredients” that have been scrawled on your identity label. By your parents (even although they loved you), your peers (even although they were kidding) and the authority figures you met when you were young and sensitive.

Look at the list. Does it describe you? If not, let it go.  We are our own architects. We design ourselves. The people that said this stuff about us, they meant no harm. And if they did, even more reason to let it go.

The sun’s coming out. There’s 350 million people here, and not one of them knows me…my identity is what I choose it to be. Now, where’s the keys to the Aston.

Present and Correct?

Or…..You might be in the room, but where exactly are you?

I have a predilection for being future-focused. I have a strong preference for having goals and milestones and plans and all that jazz. I am always looking forward, thinking about tomorrow, trying to create a future…

I used to find it quite hard to be present. To be here, now, in this moment. To take some time to smell the roses. To enjoy the journey as much as the destination. But it never bothered me until I started up my own business where the challenges are such that you really can disappear right up your own…future, if that is your focus and you’re not very careful.

I also had this sort of nagging feeling that not being present is not quite right somehow. When dealing with people, not being present might be a wee bit disrespectful, maybe a bit lazy, maybe even a tad self-absorbed, dare I say!

I then read that one of the real focus areas for sports psychologists is to get their charges totally present. Now that makes sense to me – if you are just about to attempt some wonderful physical feat, you really need to be there, don’t you. Not much point in thinking about next week’s game while you’re playing this week’s game.

Now work and life is not sport. But presence is required in all realms. There is a need for us to look forward and plan, envision, think big thoughts and look after projects and all the rest of it, but getting good stuff to happen to you and avoiding bad stuff happening to you will depend on what you do now, in the present, and being present while you do it.

And stuff is often about people. People need you to be present. Not paying lip service to them. Not a million miles away.

And I actually have a slightly gnawing feeling that not being present is a wee bit like…not being alive. Hmmm. Time for action.

So, I started to think about how to become more present. This is what I found worked for me –

• Get physical – take a deep breath and see what’s in front of you. Really see it. Tap your feet on the ground. Touch the table in front of you. Feel the temperature. Get aware of your surroundings.
• Get mental – say to yourself “I’m here! I’m here!”
• Get focused – one thing at a time – the thing in front of you.
• Get prepared – ask yourself what it is you want to remember about what you’re doing.
• Get aligned – when talking to someone, make their objective your objective. This is a powerful one. When I was being taught how to give feedback on a certain psychometric tool, I used to try to run through it quickly. I was probably somewhere else, or trying to get there, i.e. not present. It was suggested to me I might like to make “helping the other person to understand her profile” my goal, which was, after all, why she was in front of me. Bingo – that worked! Told you I was self-absorbed.

All this effort to be more present actually works. I do have to practice though, but that’s OK. I have to practice everything. That way I get better. I am more present more often. More alive. And that’s no bad thing.

What are the benefits of being more present?

• Well, I think I have more fun, especially with my family. In fact with people in general.
• This in turn leads to better relationships.
• I feel more alive which is pretty good.
• Stress is reduced. A lot of stress comes from worrying about the past or the future. The here and now is less populated with stressors.
• I also think I actually get more done because I am more focused, clearer headed and in the moment –  you know the actual moment when I’m actually trying to actually do something. It’s got to have an impact on productivity.

So, if you sometimes feel you’re not really here, is it time to get present?